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Search Results 0 to 49 of about 764 (some duplicates have been removed)
Comedy Central
Oct 26, 2012 7:00pm PDT
so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the most cutting edge, baseless decimations of who is going to win. now this much we know, folks. the election could be swung by one key voting bloc. >> women! >> stephen: yes! it's the ladies! who are they going to vote for? well, according to a new report on cnn.com, women vote based on their oflation cycle. (laughter) the study says that when single women are ovulatting they feel sexier and therefore lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality. which is why instead of e-mails, obama is just sending late night texts that say "you up? folks. -- (applause) that makes him the commander in booty
Comedy Central
Oct 31, 2012 9:30am PDT
wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight new scientific methods to predict its winner of the election, evenee meanee mine mitt? and getting ready for halloween, if are you like most americans you're already filled with candy. and my guest, mitch daniels is republican governor of indiana where the wind goes sweeping down the plains ♪ ♪ anonymous source say mitt romney uses spray tan. those anonymous sources, anyone with eyes. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) welcome to the report, everybody. thank you so much for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) thank you, thank you so much. thank you. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. that fervent chanting of my name will hold me over until i can get home and chant it into a mirror. (laughter) nation, we are a mere 12 days away from the election. and it is my solemn obligation as a newsman to bring you the
Comedy Central
Oct 5, 2012 1:30am PDT
! oh, i am feeling good! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen -- >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: oh, that's nice! (cheers and applause) anybody else do see that debate last night? folks, it a whole new horse race! mitt smoked obama! metaphorically, of course, mormons can't smoke! and folks, after last night's debate in denver our image of these two men has completely changed. and i am not the only one who knows it. >> it looked like romney wanted to be there and president obama didn't want to be there. >> stephen: yes! it was like obama wasn't even there. he hasn't done this poorly since he debated clint eastwood. (laughter) meanwhile-- (cheers and applause) meanwhile, romney was the alpha mitt, slapping obama around. and, anyone else who got in mitt away. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i will stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird, i actually like you too. but i'm not going to keep on spending money for things to borrow from china to pay for it. >> stephen: he just told
Comedy Central
Oct 12, 2012 7:00pm PDT
>> stephen: tonight, an october surprise that could bring down obama. and a rocktober surprise that could bring jethro tull to your town! [ laughter ] then, it's autumn. don't forget to go outside and watch the beautiful changing of mitt romney's positions. [ laughter ] and my guest, chrystia freeland, says the wealthy are leaving the rest of the world behind. yeah. that's kinda the point. [ laughter ] scientists have found a turtle that pees through its mouth. or has a penis that looks like a face. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) holy cow. wow. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden an
Comedy Central
Oct 10, 2012 7:00pm PDT
>> stephen: tonight, russia tries to claim the north pole! mr. gorbachev, tear down this narwhal! (laughter) then mitt romney threatens iran. stop your nuclear program or he will cut off your pbs! (laughter) and my guest is music legend and animal rights activist morrissey in his honor, today my interns are free range! (cheers and applause) nasa's "curiosity" rover has found a small shiny object on mars. it's either the top of a giant metal city buried beneath the sand or a screw. (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) thank you so much, please, nation -- (audience chanting "stephen") thank you so much, please, ladies and gentlemen, you're too kind to me. nation, it has been 16 months since mitt romney declared his candidacy-- a month since he accepted the nomination and five days since he started running for president. (laughter) folks, he is surg
Comedy Central
Oct 24, 2012 11:30pm PDT
>> stephen: tonight, questions about the libya crisis. could it have been prevented with bayonets and horses? [ laughter ] plus, a gop senate candidate puts his foot in his mouth. i hope it wasn't in an airport bathroom. and i hope it was a foot. [ laughter ] and my guest anthony everitt is an expert on ancient roman culture. or so he claims-- anyone who could contradict him is dead! [ laughter ] only seven days until halloween! but i tell my kids it's ten. i get some great deals on costumes. [ laughter ] this is the colbert report! ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] happy wednesday. folks, let's get straight to it. we have no time to waste here because -- folks, huge news. we're always looking to bring you the biggest election story. and rumors started monday about a game-changing october surprise. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might chan
Comedy Central
Oct 25, 2012 7:00pm PDT
" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] welcome to the report. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] happy wednesday. folks, let's get straight to it. we have no time to waste here because -- folks, huge news. we're always looking to bring you the biggest election story. and rumors started monday about a game-changing october surprise. >> donald trump now claims to have a bombshell announcement about president obama. >> a major announcement from donald trump coming today, and why it might change your vote in the presidential election. >> i have something very very big. it's very big. bigger than anyone would know. it's going to be very big, i know one thing-- you will cover it in a very big fashion. >> stephen: yes, board up your windows, stock up on canned meats --this will be the biggest, classiest, most devastating election game-changer in the human history of time. okay? think teapot dome, only the teapot is encrusted with gold and we're using diamond tea bags. [ laughter ] the speculation was rampant. was it the long-rumored obama divorce
Comedy Central
Oct 15, 2012 11:30pm PDT
captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight this year's nobel prize winners are announced. i can't wait to see which economist won the swimsuit competition. then an cup date about a criminal loose in florida, that's right, i'm on to you, half of florida. and my guest evan thomas has a new book that says dwight d eisenhower was the father of modern nuclear policy. that we know of. the inventor of the cardboard bike says it will change the world. provided that change includes never raining again. this is "the colbert report." >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you sop much. i'm not sure, i'm so thrilled by that ovation but i'm not sure whether you are actually clapping for me or just trying to shake all the rain off your arms. but folks, you know me. i love seeing mankind overcome obstacles. that's why i
Comedy Central
Oct 23, 2012 10:30am PDT
case. >> voter fraud allegations. voter fraud? >> stephen: yes, voter fraud. now, i'm not going to bore you with any shocking examples of voter fraud because it is virtually non-existent. [ laughter ] but i say we can't be too careful, folks. anybody voting that i don't personally know is kind of suspicious. [ laughter ] thankfully, there are some heroes out there trying to keep this process pure. >> a republican worker is arrested for voter fraud. >> he is a contractor. >> someone working at a business in a local g.o.p. headquarters building spotted a man dumping voter registration form. they found 8 completed forms in the dumpster. >> stephen: so, some voter forms got dumped. that's how the electoral sausage is made, folks. and like with sausage, it's often tainted, and once in a while an (bleep) gets in there. [ laughter ] ground up. [ laughter ] folks, i condemn this man's actions. you destroyed voter registration forms, but only eight? [ laughter ] what's the matter, was the paper stock too heavy? [ laughter ] and why didn't you shred them, or bury them, or batter fry them at
Comedy Central
Oct 16, 2012 7:00pm PDT
report." >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody, good to have you with us. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you sop much. i'm not sure, i'm so thrilled by that ovation but i'm not sure whether you are actually clapping for me or just trying to shake all the rain off your arms. but folks, you know me. i love seeing mankind overcome obstacles. that's why i'm always pushing chairs in front of people. (laughter) and yesterday, another barrier fell as daredevil felix baumgartner became the first man to-- aaaahhhh-- (laughter) felix baumgartner became the first man to break the sound barrier in freefall. parachuting from a record altitude of 24 miles. ladies and gentlemen, this proves that our days of human exploration are not over. because we did it! we put a man on the earth! (laughter) (cheers and applause) it's a brave same world. (laughter) and folks, millions around the world tuned in to witness
Comedy Central
Oct 1, 2012 7:00pm PDT
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome. what can i say, i, i would have any one of you guard my fountain. (laughter) if anyone did that, and i don't think anybody does that. kind of a stupid job. (laughter) nation, now nation, we got to do this. nation, i'm a humble man. and i will shout that from the mountaintop. (laughter) so i don't like talking about myself. but i've got no choice. we're in a national crisis here. we need to rebuild this country's greatness. well, ladies and gentlemen, i have the blueprints-- no, scratch that. i have the red, white and blueprints. (applause) because this tuesday, october 2nd, i will release my new book "america again: rebecoming the greatness we never weren't" (cheers and applause) >> stephen: the book has pictures and everything. now i know what you're thinking folks, i know what you are thinking. s
Comedy Central
Oct 17, 2012 1:30am PDT
>> stephen: hello! [crowd chanting stephen's name] [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. thank you for joining us, everybody. folks, thank you so much. i gotta say -- [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, i gotta say you may know this already but people ask me all the time and you chanting my name, stephen, stephen, i think is my favorite karaoke song. [ laughter ] the romney ryan ticket is firing on all cylinders which say huge improvement for mitt who was previously just firing people. [ laughter ] now he's got the edge heading into tonight's all important presidential debate. into that unlike obama he was there for the first time. [ laughter ] we're taping this show, my show right now ahead of time so i don't know who won but i'm guessing mitt. because the venue was in nassau county, new york, just an average town of average americans earning an average income of $91,000 almost twice the national average. mitt can really relate to people making.91,000 a year. he does that every day. no one tell me what happens. i'm going to watch it on cnn later. we've got this grea
Comedy Central
Oct 2, 2012 1:30am PDT
central >> stephen: hey, look at you. come on. welcome to the report! (cheers and applause) good to have you with us. ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! wow. thank you, ladies and gentlemen. good to have you with us. folks, you spoil me. you know, ladies and gentlemen, i am a huge fan of republican vice presidential candidate and jersey boys understudy paul ryan. which is why i am enraged. because this weekend this good man was attacked by the liberal hacks over at fox news. (laughter) just listen to chris wallace drilling ryan over romney's proposed 20% across account board tax cut. >> the obama camp says independent groups say if you cut those tax rates for everybody 20%, it costs $5 trillion over ten years, true? >> not in the least bit true. >> stephen: true, not true, who cares? (laughter) it's over ten years. romney and ryan will only be in office for eight of those. let president bachmann worry about it in 2020. that is what hindsight is for. but folks, just listen to this pit bull. >> how mu
Comedy Central
Oct 9, 2012 7:00pm PDT
report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) i think you can tell by the energy energy in this room we get it on most every night. (cheers and applause) welcome, welcome to the report. good to have you with us. nation, i am still glowing from last week's runnaway debate victory for mitt romney. he's got the mitt-mentum. the mo-mitt-num. the rom-nentum. there's still no word for it, it's never existed before. he got a bump in the polls. campaign donations are rolling in. it's all good news! >> a september jobs report with the unemployment number now down to 7.8%, the lowest rate since the president took office. >> stephen: except for any news that is actually good. (laughter) folks, this .3% drop in the unemployment rate seems just a little too barely better than true. >> maybe it's a coincidence. >> a month before the election we have a number that comes out 1/10 below when the president took office.
Comedy Central
Oct 11, 2012 7:00pm PDT
captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, our educational problems have new answers which we copied off the chinese kid in front of us. ( laughter ) them our nation's highways are in trouble. someone must have told them they were adopted. ( laughter ). plus my guest naomi wolf has a new book called "vagina." now i'm no english major but i detect a subtle sexual subtex. ( laughter ). the new york aquarium has a new baby walrus-- great, another brooklyn hipster with a ridiculous mustache. ( laughter ). this is the "colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: awfully nice. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, good to have you with us. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, it is kind of that time of year to ask the question is this not-- ( cheers and applause ) , please, please. ladies and gentlemen, we could power my whole village if we could just put some jumper cables on your nipples right now and it's chilly enough to d
Comedy Central
Oct 15, 2012 7:00pm PDT
unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us. i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ] plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this thin
Comedy Central
Oct 24, 2012 7:00pm PDT
song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: welcome to the "report." thank you, ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us in here out there. i'm sure you can tell by that chanting this crowd has gotten c oshslbmentum. (laughter) ladies and gentlemen, last night was the third and final presidential debate. it threw much-need attention to two key domestic issues, "monday night football" and the national league championship. (laughter) as you remember, folks, the first debate was a blowout win for romney. the second debate-- also happened. (laughter) so let's get the truth of night three in "stephen colbert's debate 2012 coverage." two men, one wheel. who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the import
Comedy Central
Oct 17, 2012 10:30am PDT
cool technology. >> stephen: thank you wolf for sharing that moment with me of alex within the moment with brook a moment ago. [cheers and applause] if only -- isn't it cool? [cheers and applause] if only there was some way for people to capture this moment of me enjoying that moment. [camera sound] oh, wow, wow! wow, i've got to tweet this moment at wolf. hashtag filling air time. [ laughter ] there you go. all right. now, folks it's the time of year again when skeletal figures shrouded in black fill your mind with feemple the supreme court is in session. -- with fear because the supreme court is in session. the big case is fisher v university of texas. >> a decade ago the court ruled that race could be used as a factor granting college admission. today a new supreme court heard a challenge to that which could change the law of the land on affirmative action. >> affirmative action will return to the supreme court docket. it involves a white student female who claims affirmative action was the reason she was shut out at the university of texas. >> for the first time to in ten years th
Comedy Central
Oct 22, 2012 10:30am PDT
even my own. >> i was going to ask you. >> stephen: people tell me i'm white and i believe them because i look both ways before i talk about race. okay? all right. how does the law stand right now in this case? if the obama girls were amying to the university of texas would they get preferential placement because of race? >> the thing about them is you could imagine them having an advantage in admission because they are celebrity kids. >> stephen: just imagine just their father had nuclear weapons. african-american kids get placement under these rules? >> not necessarily. it's one of personal attributes the school can take into account. they don't have to favor an african-american wealthy public can't. >> stephen: what is this girl complaining about? >> she said it happened to her because it's possible race is in the mix for some of the kids who got in and she did not. >> stephen: what are the factors legacy, if your dad gave a library. >> community service, leadership, socioeconomic background. you have to write he ises is a. there's a long list of things. >> stephen: how do you think
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 764 (some duplicates have been removed)